Chapter 8 - Surrender

Picture a room full of excited disciples and one happy looking guru. Prem Baba came to Israel, and I was super excited to meet him in person for the first time.

Prem Baba really embodied his name. In Sanskrit, Baba means spiritual father, and Prem means loves. In the many years that followed our first personal visit, I would feel an intimate sensation of being loved whenever he entered the room. While I could not really tell if this sensation emanated from him, I certainly felt loved. And for me, that was a lot.

The program was short—an evening satsang (lecture) followed by a full day of a so-called workshop. It was not really a workshop since there were at least two hundred people in the hall and we mainly listened to him speak and answer questions.

I ventured to ask a very personal question that had to do with a sexual trauma from my childhood. It was a very personal story with a significant amount of shame tied to it. I am pretty sure I'd never shared that story with so many people before. Not even my closest friends knew about it. Yet, there I was, sharing one of my most private experiences with this teacher in front of hundreds of people.

I am not sure why I did that. I don't even remember exactly what I asked. In hindsight, I think I wanted to test Prem Baba and see for myself that he is able to help me with one of the most delicate issues I was dealing with. I deeply yearned to be able to confide in someone I could trust. I wanted to feel safe to share an experience I felt shame about without being judged. I wanted to be accepted as I was, loved, and cared for.

In response, Prem Baba probed deeper into the story, asking me very pointed questions to which I gave honest answers. He asked me what had happened and how I'd felt at the time. He asked me to describe all the other emotions that I associated with this experience and how I felt about this today. I had the distinct feeling that he knew where he was leading me. He was giving me pointers on how to untangle my sexual energy from that trauma. In retrospect, it was an important step in the right direction for healing this particular aspect of my psyche. But most importantly, I was assured that Prem Baba was all that I'd ever hoped for in a teacher.

Other people asked questions, and then it was time for prasad. Prasad is a Hindu ritual where disciples receive a blessed piece of food from their guru. A long line formed. Each disciple arrived in front of Prem Baba, kneeled, and kissed his feet, as was customary. Each had a brief personal moment with the guru, and some short words were exchanged. Then the blessed food was offered and received, to be consumed immediately and with reverence.

I stood in the slowly advancing line, thinking what I would say to him or what I would ask. I only had a few seconds to exchange a few words. When my turn came, I kneeled and kissed his feet (the first time I'd ever done that!) and then remained in silence as he looked at me. Nothing was said. I was offered and received the food and moved on.

But apparently that was not the end of it. I felt called to go back and stand in line again. So I did. I was not sure why. I still did not know what to say or ask. My turn came again, and my mind was still blank. Then, kneeling and kissing his feet again, I heard myself say, "I came to work with you." He smiled and offered me another piece of food. I got up, and the thought in my head was: "This is the last teacher I will have. I've found him. Prem Baba is the last one for me."

There was peace in my heart.

Many years later, after listening to many Prem Baba discourses, I had an insight. I realized that Prem Baba had a "conceptual map" of the human psyche. I then understood that, when he was asked a question about one aspect or another of ego (he used the term "the lower self"), he would access this intuitive map of his and lead the person in the right direction. It was impressive. That is what made Prem Baba an effective guide.

The immediate trust I felt toward Prem Baba was a key aspect that facilitated surrender. That is the topic of this chapter.

Let us find out why this chapter is called "surrender" and how this concept and practice is related to the inward journey and to ego.

During the inward journey, we become increasingly aware of ego and how it is running our lives. In this chapter, I will continue to use the analogy of ego as a territory we are navigating toward our destination.

"Where are we going?" you may ask. We previously concluded that we all manifest ego but that we are not ego. The destination of the inward journey is that very essence of who we really are. While I can tell you stories about it (and I am, in these pages), you can only understand this for yourself when you get there. It is a very personal experience.

But what does "surrender" have to do with any of this?

The word surrender connotes giving up or capitulation to a superior force. In a war, for example, the weaker army surrenders when it simply cannot continue fighting a stronger force. During the inward journey, ego will have to surrender to various superior forces—that of a guide and that of your will. That is the only way you can make progress on the inward journey, which is through ego toward your essence.

You are choosing to loosen your identification with ego. Ego will resist—it is fighting for its life and will try to convince you (from within) that its death is your death.

💡 We are not trying to kill ourselves or ego, just trying to break free from it.

In practical terms, what does it mean to "loosen your identification with ego?"

It simply means being aware of ego in the present moment.

The journey inward is probably the most difficult thing we do as humans. It is so challenging because it feels like an inner fight. Ego is a part of us. Heck, for the longest time we were not even aware we manifested ego. And now we are guided to set ourselves free from ego.

That is a mouthful if I've ever heard one.

If you are in the beginning of your journey inward, you may be thinking to yourself that you have no freaking clue what I am talking about. This all sounds so stupid and nonsensical. None of your friends, no one in the news, no one at college or at work ever spoke to you like that.

I understand all that because I had the exact same thoughts. I very clearly remember feeling and thinking exactly the same.

Yet...all of these thoughts and feelings come from ego.

What now, then? What happens once you realize ego is there to stay?

💡 We break free from ego. Freedom to choose simply means being aware of ego in the present moment.

How do we loosen our identification with ego?

You are still reading, so a part of you wants to know more. That part is beyond ego—that is your essence. There is an inner will to go on that cannot be denied. That force of your will is far superior to ego, and ego will eventually yield to it and take its proper place in you.

The role of a spiritual practice (e.g., meditation, prayer, journaling) is to help you loosen this identification so that there is a little space between you and the constant stream of egoic thoughts and feelings that flow through you. The practices outlined in Chapter 8, as well as other practices, help you become aware of ego in daily life, in the present moment. In other words, to loosen your identification with ego.

One of the roles of a guide is to help you be aware of all of this and to exert external pressure to help you persist in your practice. Based on their own personal experience, the guide will suggest to you efficient practices. It will be up to you to practice. In other words, the guide can show you the way through the terrain and point to pitfalls, deadends, and dangerous cliffs to avoid. But only you will actually walk the path.

Persistence is required to carry you through all the challenges, and no one but you can supply it. Therefore, your will must be stronger than ego. You must be persistent in your resolve to show ego its proper place. Once, twice, or a million times. As many times as needed.

Persistence comes in the shape of constant vigilance and small course corrections. We are never on course, as it were, but we are constantly vigilant and striving to get back on track. Persistence and surrender go hand in hand. Ego (the part of you that surrenders) will have to be persistently put in place (seen for what it is—a part of of you). By persistently, I mean all the time!

Modern airplanes fly in highways in the sky. When a jet takes off from Los Angeles to New York, its trajectory is planned in advance. The pilot flies the plane to cruising altitude and invokes the autopilot for the rest of the flight. The plane flies by itself until it is time to land.

When we plot the actual trajectory of the airplane, we see something curious. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the airplane is actually off course!

How is this possible? Simple. The plane keeps deviating from the planned course. The autopilot constantly makes the corrections needed to bring the plane back to its flight path. As soon as the autopilot realizes the plane is a little bit off, it issues the command to bring it back on track. These are such small corrections that only a computer can do them tirelessly for the entire duration of the flight.

It's the same with ego. We need to be constantly vigilant to ensure ego does not take over. As soon as we sense we are off track (ego has taken over, so to speak), we become aware, and we can choose to take back command.

But persistence is not enough. It is very hard to take this journey alone. This is where a guide is of tremendous value. Let us explore how in depth.

1️⃣ The territory is unfamiliar (you're going in circles).

Your guide is leading you into and through uncharted territory. The journey inward is a journey toward the self and through the layers of the egoic self. It involves traversing unfamiliar places inside yourself.

The journey inward is personal and experiential. No one can do it for you. At the same time, you need not be alone, and you can, in a manner of speaking, stand on the shoulders of previous travelers. It makes a lot of sense to consult those who have been there before. If we read Warsaw's Lonely Planet before flying to Poland, we should also consult those who traversed ego before us and learn where the major traps are. That is precisely a guide's first role.

2️⃣ You are overcoming the identification with ego, and that is very hard to do alone.

It is very helpful to have a trusted guide indicate when ego is "playing" you and how. Ego is extremely clever and would have you believe anything that reinforces its position. Remember, ego is a defense mechanism. It is doing its best to protect you (itself).

3️⃣ Some of the things you may be required to do will be extremely unnatural.

It is unnatural to confront ego. You are likely to feel you are confronting yourself. Remember that ego is a natural part of you. Confronting ego is the essence of the inward journey. There is no need to destroy ego (which would feel like killing yourself). If you want to remain alive and awake, however, you do have to be aware of how ego is running your life so that you can take back control.

Depending on the level of slumber you are in, your guide may have to resort to various techniques to effect your awakening. Some of these may seem (to ego) a bit harsh or unnecessary. That is to be expected, as ego itself will resist whatever diminishes your identification with it.

How hard can it be? Sometimes the tests are quite extreme.

I told you already about the experience I had with Guruji Rajkumar and the sanskar. Many things were extraordinary about this experience, but one thing in particular was a significant challenge. After the ritual, my whole back was covered with second-degree burns. It felt like my body was expelling fire from within, which is precisely what Guruji explained it was—a purification of the fire element.

While there was no pain involved, there was extreme physical discomfort. I had a fever, and I could not rest well and therefore was tired. This was no place or time for rest as the practices were quite intense. We were also scheduled to travel to several remote corners of India by plane and train.

I had two choices—to panic or to let go. There was significant fear in me, yet Guruji simply brushed it aside by calling this a purification. He certainly did not think it was something special, considering the things he'd seen in his time.

I chose to trust Guruji and simply let go and let myself be taken care of. Other disciples helped me dress the wounds regularly and made sure they did not get infected.

Time did what it does best—heal. Three weeks later I was already feeling much better, in time to meet Prem Baba again in Rishikesh and be formally initiated as a disciple.

4️⃣ External pressure may be required to advance on the journey, and a wise and trusted guide will know how and when to apply it.

When I was working with Esti, her style was quite harsh. She would call ego by name and put it in place directly and strictly. Haridas was also quite direct when he said I was completely numb and called that numbness what it was—an egoic defense against pain. I was fortunate enough to have trusted both Esti and Haridas and to have had my own will to push through the egoic mechanism.

The challenges may seem at times insurmountable. That's precisely why we need to trust our guides.

When I met Prem Baba in person for the first time, I was already committed to following his teachings and guidance. I read several of his books, listened to him speak and teach, and had group workshops with some of his advanced students. All these experiences contributed to a sense of trust I was feeling toward the path he charted.

Still, I was not prepared to hear the words that came out of my mouth when I first kneeled in front of him that day. They represented another level of trust that sprang spontaneously and unexpectedly.

You may never choose to be a disciple of a Hindu guru or a Zen master, but you will be required to trust someone else's guidance at one time or another. This is really a matter of life and death.

You may not have a personal relationship with your chosen guide. They may not even know you. Still, a relationship you will have, and based on trust it must be. While I was in the presence of Prem Baba many times, I did not personally speak or interact with him more than a handful of times. Even so, I trusted Prem Baba's guidance for many years. Deep in my heart, I knew that whenever a question arose in me, I would receive the answer from Prem Baba (or other sources). That is precisely what happened. I would be drawn to listen to a recording, read a passage from a book, or talk to a friend, and the answer would arrive.

The relationship with your guide is based on trust, even the ultimate trust—you are entrusting them with your life.

You may question this last assertion and ask yourself: am I really trusting the guide with my life? You may be alive and asleep most of the time. Yet you are reading these lines, and that clearly indicates that there is a part of you that wants or perhaps even yearns for something different. This is the part that pushes you forward on the journey and looks for guidance, for a guide.

It is entirely possible to live an entire human life without ever questioning anything beyond the present experience. In other words, to be born and sleep for an entire life. There is no judgment toward those of us who do.

You are not one of those people.

💡 You are trusting the guide with your life because eventually you will awaken to live it fully.

Ego will have to surrender to two superior forces, that of a guide and that of your will. That is the only way you can make progress on the inward journey, which is through ego toward your essence.

In other words, your own will is in charge, and ego surrenders to it.

OK, then. What does it really mean that ego "surrenders?"

Well, for starters, it means there is a superior force that compels it to surrender. That force is your will. It is you.

For that to happen, you must be able to see clearly the operation of ego in you and then choose to watch it without acting it out. This is a constant practice. Ego has a role to play in our lives, and this phase of the inward journey is intended to make ego take its proper place and leave you to be in charge. That is what I mean by "traversing the terrain that is ego."

We do not surrender. It is ego that does.

💡 Surrender leads to inner peace. When there is no inner peace, it is time to surrender.

How does ego surrender?

Ego simply loses power when we stop identifying with it.

True surrender does not suggest passivity. Surrender does not mean to passively accept whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it.

In the Power of Now, Eckart Tolle defines surrender as "the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life." Since we experience the flow of life in the present moment, surrender simply means to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation. We simply give up any inner resistance to what is. We stop saying "no" by judging or holding onto our emotional negativity.

Ego is judging and emotional negativity. When we let go of that, we loosen our identification with ego.

Surrender leads to inner peace. If at the present moment we cannot change the external situation or remove ourselves from it, we simply accept it. That results in inner peace.

And the opposite works too. When we do not feel inner peace, it is time to check what ego is up to.

Ultimately, what we are here to do is devote ourselves to lovingly serving our fellow humans. Each step of our life journey requires a form of surrender.

What do I want to do? What is the right thing to do? How do I know what the next step is?

Ego will tell you this or that. Will you listen? There is another voice that always indicates the way. What does life (God) want you to do next? Where is the flow of life taking you next? Will you resist and fight, or will you yield?

Imagine a small piece of wood drifting down the river. The river is doing all the work. The river is carrying the piece of wood toward its destination. What would be the sense in the piece of wood starting to swim against the current? How far away can it swim before reaching exhaustion?

Some say we dance the dance of life. In other words, we are the dancers, and our lives are the dance we choose to dance. It is actually quite the opposite. Life is the dancer and I...I am simply being danced.

Ego would have you believe you are separate from everything else—from life. The reality is that everything and everyone is connected. We are all part of this mysterious and miraculous thing we call life.

The ultimate surrender means relaxing into life. It does not mean life is sipping margaritas on the beach. There is hard work to be done. You are invited to be the best version of you that you can be, every moment of your life. The river, the dance, it was all designed with your best interest in mind, to lead and carry you to your destination.