Chapter 7 - What Now? The Doing Part

Ego is part of the human condition. We live with it. The key is not to be totally identified with it. Not to let it run your life.

Easier said than done. If someone had told me this fifteen years ago, I probably would have waved them off as crazy. Perhaps your inner dialogue is now saying, like mine, "What on earth do you mean by not being totally identified with it?"

When you can remain present, silently watching the manifestation of ego in you and others, you are not totally identified with ego. As a result, ego loses its power to run your life.

Easier said than done, indeed. The power of ego to pull us into total identification is strong. Let us understand why and what tools are available to us to help us navigate this process.

I'd been part of Haridas's self-inquiry sangha for a year, and I also attended one of the awareness intensives he facilitates. I really trusted him. Secretly, I was envious of him as he claimed to be enlightened, which was what I craved most at that time. In short, I trusted Haridas's judgment and his love for me.

Haridas has been on a spiritual search for many years, and for the last few of those, he was teaching and leading a self-inquiry group with Daya. I joined the group at the recommendation of mutual friends. I felt at home, and I was a regular attendant of the weekly meetings.

After a year of work, Haridas invited me to his home for a visit. He never said why, and I did not ask. I felt flattered that my teacher was interested in me. I found myself sitting on Haridas's couch in a small Druze village in the outskirts of Haifa. The Druze like to live high in the mountains, and their villages have gorgeous panoramic views. We were enjoying the view in silence when Haridas said, "I cannot reach you. You are completely blocked."

I did not feel like this at the time, but in hindsight, it was a rare moment of grace. Someone who really cared about me and had walked further along their inward journey shared their perception of where I was in mine.

Haridas did not mince words. He asked me how I felt. I answered that most of the time I did not feel much—that my life was quite peaceful.

He giggled. I waited for more.

"Peace?" he said.

It was not a question—more a statement questioning this characterization of my inner state. I remembered the yoga concept of stillness, and I ventured to explain.

"Yes, I feel stillness. I do not experience many ups and downs emotionally."

Haridas listened intently and then asked me if I felt happiness and joy when something good happened.

I said that mostly I did not. I felt a little something, but it passed quickly.

Then the bomb arrived.

"You are numb. You simply do not feel anything. And for your information, there is a big difference between numbness and stillness."

Oh my God! That was a bomb if I ever saw one.

My mind started racing. What did he mean by "numb?" Me, numb? Really?

I could have dismissed this analysis out of hand and chosen to remain in my cocoon. What helped me not to avoid this gift was the fact that I knew Haridas had my best interest in mind.

I was waiting for more.

Haridas then continued. "I suggest you do a Primal."

I had no idea what he was talking about. "What is a Primal?" I asked.

"Talk to Sarel, and he will explain to you. I suggest you talk to Sugandho."

As Haridas suggested, I immediately called my friend Sarel, and he explained what a "Primal" (also known as "Childhood Liberation") was. Sarel had already done a Primal workshop with Sugandho, so he could share his own personal experience. Sarel explained that Primal is a therapeutic method, a way to work on oneself. In Primal, we go back to the past, particularly the first seven years of life, in order to bring clarity to the conditioning we received and shine a light on old wounds carried from that time. In short, a Primal looks back at the oldest constructs of ego.

Haridas suggested I go through the process of Primal so that I could become aware of these unconscious patterns that were formed when I was very young. Shakura, one of the most experienced Primal therapists, characterizes the therapy this way: "The fact is that most of us still carry the past inside, in the form of body-mind pain. The strategies we developed in childhood to cope with the family situation still run our lives, often with damaging consequences. For example, we are unable to live fully in the present because the mind keeps pulling us back, as we have not completed our past. It still hangs around us as a big burden."

Haridas knew Sugandho personally and knew how beneficial the Primal process would be for me. Haridas also knew that when someone was ready to go back and face past traumas, Sugandho was the perfect guide.

After my conversation with Sarel, I called Sugandho. Several weeks later, I found myself going back in time to my childhood. Over the course of a week and through a very intensive process, I released many traumatic events. This process deserves the title "opening up (ego's) Pandora's box."

The Primal was a great introduction to various aspects of my own personal traumas and conditioning. As discussed in previous chapters, ego is similar in structure in all of us, but its content (the personal manifestations) varies. Sharing my own personal traumas with you may be fascinating but not very helpful.

If you're asking yourself whether you would benefit from a Primal process, the answer is YES. Even if you are 100% convinced you had the perfect parents and the perfect childhood, I would recommend that you do a Primal. There simply is no one on this planet who has not experienced trauma in their childhood.

Let me give you a simple example. Let's say mommy puts baby (you) to sleep and then goes to take a shower. All of a sudden, you feel a sharp pain in your back. You don't know it, but there is a toy stuck under you. You try to move to get rid of the pain. It's no use. The more you move, the more it hurts. Of course you start crying for help. Even crying hurts. Mommy can't hear you—she's in the shower. You are crying for what seems to be an infinite amount of time (and to you, it is). Then mommy comes running back from the shower, picks you up to hug you, and sees the toy. She immediately understands, calms you down, and puts you down to sleep.

For the baby you, this could have seemed a life and death situation. Even if you did not have the words to explain the situation to yourself, your body and mind remember what it was like. This is the stuff childhood trauma is made of, and that's why nobody had a perfect childhood.

There are many more incidents like this in our lives that cause us to build defense mechanisms to protect us from threatening situations. These defense mechanisms are part of ego.

Later in life, we are still carrying these defense mechanisms around. Being numb, for example, is a defense mechanism that prevents me from feeling the pain and humiliation of failing. In my own personal life, I came to believe that my father would love me only if I were the best in everything. Of course that is not true, but that is what I believed. Failing for me means not being loved, which eventually means death.

💡 Ego manifests as conditioning, trauma, and "programming."

The conditioning might be "yours" or may not be really "yours." What I mean is that sometimes we adopt other people's conditioning. Usually, we adopt the conditioning of close relatives and distant ancestors. We "inherit" these aspects of our own conditioning.

Conditioning refers to the unconscious and automatic behaviors, reactions, and beliefs that are ingrained in us through our past experiences, societal norms, and cultural expectations. This conditioning often forms a significant part of ego. Those close to us, especially our parents, are the ones from whom we absorb the most. There is not much choice in this process. The people around us are simply being themselves, and we are dependent on them for our basic needs. We want to be taken care of and loved, so we naturally conform. When we are young, we are subject to this conditioning process whether we like it or not. Later, when we can see this conditioning, we will be able to cultivate our choice.

Much of our thinking and behavior is not truly our own but rather the result of this conditioning. For example, our reactions to certain situations, our beliefs about ourselves and the world, and even our desires and aspirations can all be influenced by our conditioning. This conditioning can come from various sources, including our upbringing, our culture, our past traumas, and societal expectations.

The traumas we personally suffer in life result in a memory that keeps on existing long after the trauma. I like to use the term "programming" as in a computer program that silently runs in the background until something triggers it and it kicks into operation.

Similarly, ego is triggered by life situations. When it is triggered, the result is the production of thoughts and emotions. While the mechanism is the same for all humans, the actual manifestations may vary significantly from person to person. I call them personal egoic manifestations.

I spent years and countless hours in an attempt to study and become familiar with the content of ego in me. The value of understanding our egoic content is limited. We benefit from knowing our triggers in particular life situations. If we can recognize in advance the conditions that trigger our programming, we can learn to be increasingly more present when it happens.

🧘🏻 Walking down the street

We face many types of challenges with ego. We may be dealing with a variety of emotional egoic responses to life—fear, anger, greed, frustration, or depression. Any of these emotions may be triggered repeatedly and seemingly automatically by an aspect of ego we have yet to confront and transcend.

The following story provides an illustration of the process. This is a metaphorical story. By that I mean that we are not really walking down the street and falling all day into pits.

1️⃣ Phase I - Unaware

I am walking down the street and all of a sudden, out of the blue, I fall down into a metaphorical pit. I did not see it coming—I am completely taken by surprise! A short time later, I somehow find myself out of the pit and can continue walking down the street.

Several days later, I am again walking down the same street....and again, seemingly out of the blue, I fall down into the same pit. "Is this a coincidence?" I ask myself. "What on earth is going on?" I have no answer. Again, I somehow "get out" and continue walking down the street.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. (In other words, this happens many times...)

Yet several repetitions later, something changes. I am still walking down that street, but something in me starts to rebel. It may sound like: "Enough is enough. I am tired of falling into the same pit again and again. What is going on? What can I do to stop it?"

2️⃣ Phase II - Enough Is Enough

Next time I am walking down the same street, I have an inkling that something is about to happen....and then, still out of the blue, I find myself in the pit. "I had a weird feeling this might happen," I think.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Then, several more repetitions later, I can actually see the pit for the first time before I fall into it, but am powerless to stop the fall. "Is this progress?" I ask myself.

Yes, this is actually great progress.

3️⃣ Phase III - Aware

Then, I find that, walking down the same street, I can start seeing the pit a little bit before I fall into it. One day, I can actually see it far enough in advance to avoid the fall.

I find my power to choose not to fall into the pit. This is wonderful progress.

I keep walking down the same street and find that most of the time I can avoid the pit. Sometimes I still fall into it.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

4️⃣ Phase IV - I'm Done with This

Several repetitions later, I realize that since I do not know how to remove the pit and it seems this street will always have this pit, I can simply choose to walk down a different street that has no pit. For all practical purposes, the pit is gone from my life. This issue is no longer a part of my experience.

In effect, I am no longer at the mercy of this pit.

Walking down the street is analogous to whatever it is in me that triggers ego. The pit is the egoic manifestation that automatically occurs when triggered.

In this story, I start powerless and eventually am present enough to find my power to choose, which effectively dissolves this trigger and frees me of this egoic manifestation.

💡 When ego manifests, our challenge is to remain present.

What does it really mean, being present?

I use the terms "present" and "aware" interchangeably. The story about walking down the street and falling into the pit gives us a good description of what it means. During phase III of the process, I am increasingly aware of the pit. I can see it coming. This is the result of awareness.

Imagine you are having a talk with your dad. You are discussing one particular pattern of your dad's behavior that has been causing you to feel anxious since you were a little child. While you are discussing it, you become aware of the anxiety that is appearing within. Note the language we use: "You are aware of the anxiety you feel" is equivalent to "You are walking down the street and see the (anxiety) pit."

During my childhood, overwhelming feelings of anxiety caused me to erupt in anger (fall in the pit) and yell at my dad, which would then lead to my dad being offended and ignoring me for a while, which led to...falling into the pit again and again. Until one day I was able to choose a different reaction.

Today, when I am aware, I am simply able to say: "Dad, when you do this, I feel anxious." I may feel anger but can avoid acting it out. This is a different dynamic altogether. I am walking down a different street.

💡 The goal is to become increasingly aware of ego in our daily lives and break our identification with it.

🧘🏻 The 90-second emotion life-cycle rule

When we react to an inner thought or something in our external environment, there is a ninety-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is a result of our choice to stay in that emotional loop.

Research indicates that the body is perfectly capable of dealing with emotions, and it will do so in about ninety seconds. Our challenge is not to extend the emotional loop. How? By being present and noticing our inner dialogue and our body's reactions. Any additional thoughts will reinforce the emotional loop. If we stay present and do not react for those ninety seconds, there is a good chance the body will take care of the emotion all by itself.

Here is an example. You are crossing a busy street. Seemingly out of nowhere, a speeding car appears from around the corner. The driver swerves violently and misses hitting you by a hair.

Your body is reacting, right? What is your mind doing?

For the first few seconds, the mind is most probably in shock. The body is processing the experience, though. Next, your mind kicks in. It may be giving the proverbial finger to the reckless driver. It may be talking to you and calling you reckless and irresponsible for not paying attention. It may be thinking about what would have happened if the car hit you and, God forbid, killed you.

Even in an extreme example such as this, you have a choice. Practice being the witness of these thoughts. Feel your body reacting. Simply be there. You will see that in ninety seconds you feel better.

In practical terms, witnessing your thoughts means you are no longer completely identified with ego. When you can sidestep the pit and later walk down a different street, you are effectively able to choose to witness what you feel and think but not act on it.

I like to call this "the gap." A little "gap" forms between you and your thoughts and emotions. You are watching them as they arise, and you are aware enough to say to yourself "I feel X" without acting X out.

Ego then loses its power to run your life. Going back to the example of my childhood, my dad and I were trapped in a non-beneficial dynamic. Becoming aware, I gained the power to transform this dynamic and the entire relationship with my dad.

If this is not magic, I do not know what is.

Spiritual practices allow us to be increasingly present with what comes up in daily life.

Before explaining what I mean by "spiritual practices," I will say a word about religion and spirituality. In these pages so far, I have deliberately avoided any religious inferences or comments. I did mention God but not religion. You may be wondering why a book about finding God does not talk about religion.

That is a good question. The short answer is that finding God is a personal process. It is a very individual process. Some of us may be served in our inward journey by belonging to a religious tradition and by adopting its belief system and practices. For others, the religious traditions of the early twenty-first century, at the time these words are written, may actually be a hindrance.

There are many paths one can take to find God. In many spiritual traditions, the inward journey is described as climbing a mountain. There are as many paths up the mountain as there are climbers. To journey inward, there is no need to adopt any religious tradition nor abandon one you belong to. This decision is wholly personal, and the only rule is to do whatever works for you.

I am concerned with your wellbeing as a person, not with the individual set of beliefs or practices you have. I wrote this book to help you navigate the inward journey regardless of your religious or spiritual tradition or lack thereof.

It is time to also discuss spirituality in the context of spiritual practices. Our common use of the word religion is to denote a specific tradition. We use the word spirituality to denote a realm beyond mind and matter—the dimension of spirit. Most religious traditions are concerned with the spiritual domain yet approach it differently.

I deliberately use the term "spiritual practices" to denote that which helps us connect to our own spiritual dimension. The reason these practices are useful is precisely because they help us break identification with ego. I will discuss in great detail the spiritual dimension in a later chapter.

These recommended spiritual practices may be adopted by any religionist. Simply put, you need not change anything about your religious choices in order to advance on the inward journey.

There are many practices that work. I've tried quite a few and will recommend those that worked for me. At the same time, you should choose what works for you. I would recommend keeping it simple. Do not try too many things at the same time, and whatever you try, give it at least three months of consistent practice before making a decision to quit.

The three-month rule is not set in stone. It takes repetition over time (persistence) for a practice to take effect. If you try for a short time (too few repetitions), you may not reach the point where the cumulative effects are evident.

At the same time, if you try something and find it a complete disaster, please seek guidance sooner rather than later. You can start by sending me a message or joining our online community. Keep in mind that the inward journey is not easy, and it may not always be enjoyable. At the same time, a spiritual practice should help us evolve and is not meant to cause us damage.

Here is a list of practices that increase awareness. This list is by no means complete.

• Mindfulness (of your breath, emotions, and thoughts)

• Meditation

• Concentration techniques (like yoga)

• Psychedelics

• Prayer and communion

• Writing and journaling

All of these techniques are well described online. I have compiled a useful online resource that explains more about these practices and some practical guidance on how to use them. I invite you to join a community of practitioners and enjoy the shared experiences and support of others. Access it all at https://findinggodbook.com.

Therapy allows us to transmute and heal so that ego becomes healthier and, as a result, is less triggered by life situations.

How do we deal with the emotional, traumatic aspects of ego that require healing?

Let us present a simplified version of the emotional trauma aspects of ego—what Eckhart Tolle calls the "emotional pain-body." The pain-body is the accumulated pain that results from past traumas in the form of a negative energy field that occupies our bodies and minds.

Think of it as an inner invisible entity. This entity may be dormant or active, light or heavy. In some people, it is so strong and needy that the person spends most of their life living with an active pain-body.

When the pain-body is dormant, it doesn't significantly impact our thoughts or behaviors. It's as if it's sleeping within us, and we might not even be aware of its existence.

However, when the pain-body becomes active, it significantly influences our emotional state and behavior. This activation can occur in response to certain triggers, which are usually situations or events that resonate with the old emotional pain stored in the pain-body. For example, a person who has a pain-body heavily loaded with experiences of abandonment might find their pain-body activated when they perceive slight rejection or neglect.

When the pain-body is active, it seeks to feed and sustain itself through experiencing and even creating more pain. This can lead to negative emotional states such as anger, fear, depression, anxiety, resentment, etc. It can also lead to conflict in relationships since the active pain-body can cause us to react in ways that create pain for others, which in turn feeds our own pain-body.

The appearance of the pain-body may be indicated by any sign of unhappiness. It can be some form of anxiety, irritation, impatience, a bad mood, a desire to hurt yourself or another person, anger or rage, depression, the drive to introduce a little bit of drama into a relationship, etc.

The "pain-body" concept is not limited to individuals who have experienced significant personal trauma. Rather, it is an accumulation of old emotional pain, which can come from a variety of sources. This includes not only major traumas but also everyday experiences of stress, disappointment, loss, and emotional upset. Depression, for example, could indeed be seen as a manifestation of an active pain-body. Even if an individual has not experienced what they identify as significant trauma, the feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emptiness that characterize depression could be seen as old emotional pain that has become stuck or stored in the pain-body.

Furthermore, Tolle suggests that our pain-bodies can also be influenced by the collective pain of humanity. We might carry within us not only our personal pain but also the pain of our ancestors, our culture, or our society. This collective pain can contribute to conditions like depression.

The key is to catch the pain-body the moment it awakens from its dormant state. However, it is easier to witness the triggering of someone else's pain-body than our own. If our pain-body is strong, we are likely to be completely taken by it once it awakens. In other words, we will be totally identified with it.

Dorin is a vibrant young woman, now in her late twenties. From a very early age, Dorin was raised in foster families and institutions. Her mother was a drug addict, and her father was bi-polar. Child services took Dorin away from her parents. More than two decades later, Dorin is still processing the results of these childhood traumas.

I personally know Dorin and have heard many of her childhood stories. When her pain-body is triggered, it is very easy to see. She is simply consumed by anger, frustration, and resentment toward the world at large and anyone who happens to be nearby. Dorin is often consumed by rage, and she will curse the world for her apparent misery. It can take hours, and sometimes days, for her pain-body to feed on anything negative before it goes back to sleep.

Several years ago, I had a long conversation with Dorin and suggested that we give her pain-body a name. She chose the masculine name Roger. Our agreement was that we would refer to Roger by name and that, when Roger awakened, we would talk about him in the third person.

This trick helped Dorin to create a little bit of space between herself and Roger. As soon as Dorin was able to refer to her pain-body by name—make it a separate entity—it was the beginning of the end of Roger.

The pain-body is a model we can use to describe ego manifestations in us. This is a very important step. It is much easier to deal with something we can describe and be aware of.

These are some of the therapies that helped me in my journey. This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many others to choose from. Please visit our website for a more comprehensive list and additional information that may help you choose what is right for you now.

Therapies that heal and transmute the pain-body and collective conditioning include:

• Regression therapy

• Breath work ("Rebirthing")

• The Journey

• A Course in Miracles (ACIM)

• Childhood Liberation ("Primal Therapy")

• The Pathwork

• Family Constellation

• Ho'oponopono

Unlike medical professionals, practitioners in most therapeutic disciplines are not certified by official agencies. At the same time, it is important to choose someone whom you trust, who comes recommended, and who knows what they are doing—someone with as much experience as possible.

Each spiritual journey is unique. Here is what my spiritual journey looked like. Even though I depict it as a linear progression, many of these steps (especially the later ones) happened simultaneously or in parallel.

💡 Completely asleep ⇒ crisis (inciting incident) ⇒ desiring change (end of suffering?, looking for answers?) ⇒ asking for help ⇒ following the breadcrumbs (grace) ⇒ practicing something + therapy to heal trauma ⇒ becoming aware of ego ⇒ more practicing and therapy ⇒ increased awareness of ego ⇒ continued practice and therapy ⇒ finding God ⇒ personal relationship with God ⇒ loving service ⇒ increasingly more awake.

Step 1: Completely Asleep

From birth to age thirty-seven, I was living a completely material life, trying to find happiness in people, things, and stuff. It was sort of working. To be more precise, I was not fully aware that it was not working well.

Step 2: Crisis

In 2006, a war introduced a threatening crisis. I could not find peace anymore. It was simply unbearable. For the first time in my life, I felt miserable. Let me be clear. I am pretty sure I was miserable before then, but I did not feel it. Now, I could not ignore or repress this feeling of a "void" inside my chest. There were times I could not breathe.

Step 3: "I Want Out"

During the war, the thoughts that came were: "Is this it? Is this how I spent my life? What was the purpose of this existence?" After several months of this suffocating feeling, I remember the thought "I cannot do this anymore" coming up again and again.

Step 4: Praying for Help

During my childhood, when Mom and Dad would go somewhere without me, I would pray to God to keep them safe. I remember praying for their safety every night before going to sleep.

But now it was more like shouting. A deep yet silent cry for help. There was no faith involved in this. It felt like a spontaneous cry from deep inside. It was not premeditated. I never said to myself, "Let us pray and ask for help." Nothing of the sort.

Step 5: Following the Breadcrumbs

Not long after my cry for help, I was referred to my first therapist/teacher, Esti. Many others followed over the years. With each teacher, the key was to open up, trust, and devote myself to the process to the best of my ability. Then, when the time came to move on to the next guide, my job was to recognize that and move on.

Step 6: Practice and Heal

Many of the teachers/therapists/healers I met along the way would give me the gift of insight, knowledge, practice, or healing. Healing refers to the addressing of traumas. Some of these traumas are "personal" (they happened to me, in this lifetime) and some are "inherited" from the collective subconscious.

Step 7: Become Aware of Ego

As traumas were addressed and practices were done, I awakened. I first realized what ego was in a therapy session. From there, it was a years-long, continuous process of strengthening this awareness and walking down the metaphorical street and falling into the pit.

Steps 5, 6, and 7 served to build momentum toward an inflection point.

Step 8: Finding God

Understanding intellectually who God is came from studying The Urantia Book. It took years before this understanding actually became a "knowing." What helped me were actual experiences of unity, where ego temporarily (almost) completely disappeared. After I had these experiences, my intellectual understanding transformed into a personal experience of truth.

Step 9: A Personal Relationship with God

I realized that God is a parent, that He-She desires to share my personal, most intimate life and that that is basically the only thing I can choose to give Him-Her. I then embarked on a new phase of the journey.

Step 10: Living with God

How do I choose to spend the rest of my life? In loving service.

While your unique, individual journey may look very different from mine, you can still achieve the same end results. You need to first break your identification with ego. Ego will resist. It will put up a fight, so to speak. Ego does not want to be left behind. It is important to be aware of this and have the tools to deal with it.