Chapter 9 - When to Move On

Despite what they might think about themselves, most humans are still imperfect. This applies to human guides as well, which is why you must be vigilant in your relationships with them. Ultimately, you are responsible for your journey, and the guide is just that—a guide. When signs of trouble appear in your guide, it may be time to move on.

The past has a way of catching up with us. My teacher and guru, Prem Baba, found the truth of this the hard way. In 2019, two of his earliest female disciples confronted him with allegations of sexual misconduct. These allegations concerned events that had transpired many years before.

One of the students was married (to another disciple) when Prem Baba had a sexual relationship with her. The other female disciple alleged that Prem Baba misused his influence and authority as a teacher and coerced her to have sex with him.

At the time these stories broke, Prem Baba was at the peak of his spiritual mission. He had thousands of followers and hundreds of disciples (like me, who was personally initiated into his yogic lineage). He had published several best-selling books, met regularly with politicians, and was generally recognized and loved in Brazil as a spiritual leader. All this came to an abrupt end when Prem Baba failed to quickly address the allegations in a manner that would be expected from a spiritual leader of his status.

There was a very abrupt and violent shaking in the spiritual sangha (spiritual group). Some of Prem Baba's veteran disciples decided to completely disconnect from him. Many of us who were not privy to the details felt the events did not seem logical. We could not understand what was going on and why he was not addressing these serious allegations with the thoroughness, transparency, and truthfulness we expected from an advanced being and a spiritual leader.

Prem Baba did not walk his own talk. I felt sadness, disappointment, and disillusionment.

I was willing to accept that he had sex with his disciples. To me this was not strange. I had seen this before in the yoga school I studied in. My take on this was simple. Prem Baba was intimating that he had finished his work with the egoic self, yet here was a clear sign that he had not.

My guide was a being who was supposed to take me "all the way," just as he had supposedly gone "all the way" himself. If he was not "there," if he was not the master of his egoic manifestations, how could he take me "there?" If he was not being truthful about these matters, how could I trust that he was being truthful about matters critical to my spiritual evolution?

I went through a period of mourning: sadness, then anger, and finally acceptance. I decided to move on and did not know who my next guide would be.

This was a familiar situation. I had already experienced several abrupt chapter endings and knew that sooner or later a new chapter would begin.

At the same time that I was processing these emotions, I felt no regret. I could clearly see how the time I spent as a disciple of Prem Baba was not only beneficial but a required phase in my own journey. I could not be where I was without his work. I learned from Prem Baba priceless insights about the inward journey and recommended practices.

All the stories I shared about the work I did with various guides highlight two basic facts of life:

1. It is extremely beneficial to be guided. You should seek out and welcome the guides that life sends you. They are instrumental in your inward journey.

2. All human guides are just that...human. If they are still in human form, ego manifests through them in various ways. They are not yet perfect—they are perfecting. Just like you.

Expect to witness imperfections sooner or later. Be ready for it. You may have to deal with it as part of your own journey. The guide's imperfections are there to teach you something about you. In other words, they are lessons.

There are quite horrific stories about "guides" who plunged others into the abyss, drove their students into misery, and severely abused them. Some cults of personality really manifest the extremes. If you happen to be in one of these cults, you may be in grave danger.

For the most part, the trouble I encountered with my guides was of a less dangerous kind. While Esti did help guide me, at the same time I now realize that she also took advantage of me (and others) for her own material benefit. Several of her disciples shelled out quite significant sums of money and property to support Esti and her family. I am pretty sure she has her own point of view on this and most likely will claim she did nothing illegal. That is true. I was not forced to give her all that money, and at the same time I do not feel I did so of my own free will.

The manipulation was clever. Esti had a convincing story to tell, which resulted in some of her "students" falling prey to her ploy. I fell prey because Esti played on my need to be accepted (loved). Her ploy was simple. Esti created a close-knit group of "students" (in actuality, her regression therapy patients) with her family at the center. She cleverly suggested that we had to sever all connections with friends and family (which I did) because otherwise the "network" (the dark forces that were opposing the good light workers—us) would be able to stop us from advancing.

This close-knit group had a special "code of conduct." We were all her patients. We all accepted channeling and working with our "guides." Those of us who had money were asked to pay a hefty sum for each session (much more than the prevailing prices). Later, Esti would cleverly find ways to suggest that our material help was needed to sustain her family.

I vividly remember Esti suggesting that I channel to verify that it was "right for me" to help one of her daughters with a nice sum of cash (several thousand dollars). The channeled answer came as "yes." Any other answer would have brought on me Esti's criticism and lack of approval. I'd experienced this routine several times before. So I gave that money to her daughter to gain Esti's favor.

The last time I saw Esti, she came to visit me in Canada and invited me and my girlfriend at the time to spend some days with her family. I vividly remember the end of this visit—with me going to the ATM and withdrawing CAD$3000 (which represented a significant portion of the balance on the account) and handing it over to one of her daughters.

Then Esti told me goodbye for good. I have not heard from or seen her since. I don't even know why she decided to sever all connections with me. In hindsight, this was a gift as it allowed me to move on.

At the time, I did not have enough awareness to realize I was being duped to fork over cash.

What is the lesson? We really need the help of our guides. I am not suggesting that you give that help up. Instead, the lesson is to be vigilant and watch yourself and your behavior when interacting with the guide. I know this is simple but also hard to do. You can expect ego to intervene here as well.

Being duped by the guide is a recurring lesson for me. Since I did not learn the lesson from the experience with Esti, I had to experience being duped several more times.

I recognize this part of my personality. When I realize that someone can be my guide on the inward journey, I tend to trust them completely. My tendency is to completely disregard all signs of danger. In other words, I absolve myself from responsibility and give total control of the journey to the guide. That could also be a good trait when applied in the correct context.

💡 The abusive relationship is part of the journey inasmuch as it helps you overcome this tendency to absolve yourself from responsibility.

There is the danger that you may be manipulated to do things you would not otherwise do. The power a guide has over a student is sometimes too tempting. It all depends on the purity of the guide's heart and how advanced they are on their inner journey. A guide who has a pure motive (your best interest) will not take advantage of their students.

By analyzing my relationships with imperfect guides, I can conclude that even those of us who have journeyed inward for many years may succumb to the temptations of sex, money, and power.

If you are not in extreme danger and are not being subjected to manipulation, the worst thing that can happen to you is that you will be stuck with your guide in their own pit. In other words, you will not advance in your journey past the point where your guide became stuck. For example, if your guide has issues with money and so do you, that person may not be able to guide you to solve those very same issues they could not solve in themselves.

On the inward journey, you will meet many human guides who have faced the same challenges you are facing. There is a reason they can serve as guides to others. They have surpassed and mastered some aspects of the human experience.

What a person has not mastered they can not teach another. In other words, the author of the Warsaw edition of the Lonely Planet probably spent a considerable amount of time in Warsaw but also contemplated how best to share their experience with a new visitor to Warsaw.

The stories of Esti (money) and Prem Baba (sex) are not the exception to the rule. Egoic aspects in the guide that they did not fully master will eventually surface for all to see. The guide will be challenged to continue their own journey. How the guide handles the challenge is the real demonstration of their spiritual maturity.

Sex, money, and power are universal challenges, not in any way specific to spiritual guides. However, spiritual advisors are often in positions of trust and influence, which can make these temptations more pronounced. They may also face unique challenges due to the nature of their work, which often involves deep emotional connections and the handling of resources and power.

Sometimes the story is not quite that simple and you will have to be extremely vigilant to spot the signs.

Some signs to watch for include:

• Sex: Inappropriate comments or behavior, crossing boundaries, or a focus on physical attraction or sexual teachings that feels excessive or out of context.

• Money: Excessive focus on donations or financial support, living a lifestyle significantly beyond the means of their followers, or unethical financial practices.

• Power: Overemphasis on obedience or submission, discouraging questioning or independent thought, or displaying a sense of superiority or entitlement.

I did not always manage to catch these signs. Those experiences were an integral part of my inward journey as they provided valuable lessons. I learned about the need to develop discernment, the ability to judge well, which is a crucial skill on a spiritual path. Encountering and overcoming challenges develops resilience. There were many opportunities to practice forgiveness, both for others and for myself. This is particularly relevant in a spiritual context, where forgiveness and compassion are often central themes.

Here is the prime example of how trouble manifested in my relationship with Swami, the founder of the Agama Yoga School.

In 2010, I spent nine very intensive months at the Agama Yoga School on the little island of Koh Phangan, Thailand. I took an intensive five-hundred-hour, three-month teacher's training course and then lived an additional six months in the Agama community.

I was fully immersed in the yogic tradition, practicing and learning a lot about tantra yoga and meditative practices. I also met many of the people who are now my best friends on the inward journey.

The co-founder and head teacher of the school was (and still is) Swami Vivekananda Saraswati (aka "Swami").

Swamiji is a charismatic spiritual leader. He is passionate and boisterous. According to his website, he is a "dedicated teacher of the authentic lines of Indian and Tibetan yoga." When I was in Agama Yoga, Swami was the center and core of the school. In my mind, Agama Yoga was an expression of Swami. In other words, what you saw in Swami, you saw in his students and in the school.

I bought into the Agama Yoga idea from the first time I heard about it. I literally dove into the rabbit hole and was fully committed to everything Swami taught. I did everything he suggested a student should do.

My key lesson was to realize my own lack of discernment. I literally gave up any judgment and completely trusted Swami and the school teachers. I did not learn this lesson as soon as I should have, but I have no regrets and am grateful for the experience and the role Swami played in my inward journey.

I should mention one more thing. I desperately wanted to become enlightened. This proved to be a key part of my experience at the school. This desire would prove to be the source of my challenges. I idealized Swami, and my lack of discernment coupled with my impatience led to missing many signs of danger. They had to do with sex and power.

There were persistent rumors and allegations about the fact that Swami used his influence to have sexual relations with many female students. Several women alleged Swami had raped them.

A very close friend of mine, Grace Payge, wrote about her experience with Swami in the book A Narrow Escape From an Ordinary Life. In the book, she beautifully details her entire adventure with Swami.

The school closed down temporarily for a "restructuring" after The Guardian published a piece stating that fourteen women alleged rape and sexual abuse over a period of fifteen years. These allegations did not come as a surprise to any of the veteran students of the school.

Swami reopened the school in January 2019 after completing the "restructuring." The senior teacher who was in charge of the overhaul, Mihaiela Pentiuc, resigned. In a message on the school's Facebook page, she wrote: "I no longer have the authority nor the support to continue the internal restructuring and changes started under my initiative." It would seem Swami brushed off this incident, which was not the first.

This story exemplifies the power of suggestion a strong guide can have over their followers.

My theory is that Swami's power of suggestion was so strong that I went under his spell, bought into his promises of enlightenment, and closed my eyes to all the warning signs. The power of suggestion is a potent tool, especially when wielded by a charismatic and influential guide like Swami. Swami used it to shape my thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors, often subtly and without my conscious awareness. It was particularly effective in a spiritual context because I was seeking guidance and was thus more open to suggestion.

In the case of Swami and the Agama Yoga School, the power of suggestion was evident in several ways. Swami's charisma, his promises of enlightenment, and the comprehensive system of beliefs he propagated all contributed to a strong influence over his followers. This influence was so strong that many followers, including myself, overlooked or dismissed serious allegations against him. I experienced firsthand the power of suggestion that Swami held over me. If this is not "brainwashing," I do not know what is.

I could really appreciate how deep Swami's hold was on me only after I left the school, never to go back. There was a significant amount of conditioning involved in the process I underwent to become a certified Agama Yoga teacher. If you want to become of a member of their "club," you must first adopt a comprehensive system of beliefs.

I remember the first personal interview I had with Swami during the first month of the Yoga Teacher's Training Course. I asked Swami if he could take me all the way. Since my assumption was that Swami was enlightened, what I meant to ask—but really failed to— was: "If I follow you, will I also be enlightened?" To this question, Swami just smiled and nodded. I took it as a yes and never looked back.

Over the last decade, many of my Israeli friends who were part of the Agama Yoga School distanced themselves from the school and from Swami. To me it felt like waking up from a dream. I decided to leave the school because the pain of separation from my children was unbearable, and I also simply ran out of money and had to get back to work. At the time, I still could not see the power Swami had over me. I did not leave the school to distance myself from Swami and his influence. Only when I left the school and distanced myself from Swami did I start to see these beliefs and had the choice to reexamine them and give them up when appropriate.

Perhaps I was part of a cult. I only know that I missed many of the signs of danger even when I was staring them in the face. That is why I am telling you the story—so that you can be vigilant to the signs if they ever appear in your relationship with your guide.

The danger signs related to abuse of power sometimes manifest as pride and hubris on the part of the guide. When the guide continues to brush off these signs as non-important, it is up to you to apply discernment. To me that proved to be quite a challenge.

In the case of Swami, it is my understanding that he took all these outward manifestations of trouble as opposition forces to the good work that he was doing at the Agama Yoga School. It is my understanding that Swami's argument was that he was a spiritual master, maybe even enlightened. That implies that anything he did was for the greater good of everyone involved, even if lesser realized beings (including me and everyone allegedly hurt by his actions) could not appreciate it.

When I first learned of them, I dismissed the allegations against Swami. I was on a mission to reach enlightenment, and if Swami could help me get there, I was willing to ignore a few "little glitches in the Matrix," so to speak.

The tricky part of the inward journey is that while you are traversing the territory of ego, ego itself is changing and responding to your life circumstances. It is playing tricks on you. For example, in my story with Swami, the "spiritual" ego manifested in me was determined to be enlightened, and it overpowered the weaker, more critical discerning part of me that would have raised the alarm to the signs of danger.

When I could see Swami with clear eyes, when I was no longer under his strong influence, I could choose my next guides more carefully. The blessing in a challenging experience reveals itself when we learn from it.

Abuse is part of the human experience and therefore part of what you may encounter on the inward journey.

What happens when a guide manipulates or even abuses?

Let me be clear. Abuse is NEVER required during the inward journey. If it happens, it presents a challenge for us to overcome.

The reason abuse is not required is that the relationship with the guide is based on trust. Abuse does not breed trust. It erodes it. Thus, being in an abusive relationship with a guide is only helpful if you wake up and deal with it. If you have the power to change the dynamic of the relationship and feel it is still beneficial to you, stay in it. Otherwise, you'd better end the relationship and move on.

Sometimes, we need an inordinate amount of abuse before we can say "enough is enough." Sometimes we keep taking the abuse and never wake up.

Trouble with a guide may lead you to end the relationship. At the same time, ego may be playing tricks on you. Therefore, you should be vigilant. Be attentive to the possibility that ego is making up excuses (about the guide) as resistance to the inward journey.

If in doubt, ask someone else. Sometimes our inward journey is a very private place, and what we encounter there is not pleasant to witness and even less pleasant to share. At the same time, having trusted companions in this journey is extremely valuable. If you are lucky enough to have friends who are on their own journeys and understand the challenges, consulting with such a person is one of the best tactics against the tricks of ego. Share with this person openly and ask a few open questions like "What do you think or see?" or "What would you do in my place?" Then, just listen attentively to the guidance.

Another important practice is to ask internally for guidance about any situation. This is one of the most important skills to cultivate during the inward journey. More on this later.

There is a quality of peace that settles inside when I intuitively know the answer to a question I have been struggling with. When you find your own way to connect to this inner source of wisdom, that is a sign you have progressed on the inward journey.

When Esti decided to part ways with all her students, I had no say whatsoever in the matter. She simply said goodbye—just like that.

I was ready for the next step, a deep and long adventure with yoga. I felt a deep yearning to deepen my yoga practice. My yoga teacher at the time, Nancy, was quoting freely from The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. She would say something deep, and I would feel something stirring inside of me. I went to the library and borrowed a copy of the book.

I remember looking at this very short book. It is about fifty pages and has only196 sutras, which are quite short. I read it cover to cover in one sitting. Afterward, I started crying, and the thought that came to my mind was "I want to live with people who practice this."

It took seven months for my next guide to arrive. It was Sahaja, the co-founder of the Agama Yoga School in Thailand. Three months after our first meeting, I was on my way to Thailand to start my yoga teacher's training course.

💡 When a guide lets you go, it is time to ask yourself if you are ready for the next phase in your journey, for which you may need another guide.

When I finally reflected on the allegations against Prem Baba, I was ready to move on. What happened with Prem Baba was an opportunity for me to check internally and realize that it was the end of our relationship. There was no formal goodbye. I simply let him go.

Initially, I felt sadness for the situation he was in and had put all of his disciples in. Then, I felt anger, and later I simply realized I was going through the phases of mourning, preparing to let Prem Baba go.

All of these emotions are part of the journey. It was appropriate for me to recognize how I felt, accept the feelings, and process them. Finally, I realized that I was ready to say goodbye. I felt peace once the decision was made, and that was a confirmation.

My relationship with Prem Baba was so meaningful, and the loss I felt was so great that the grief was totally understandable. I had a feeling I would never see Prem Baba again or enjoy this intimacy with another guide. I gave myself all the time I needed to process these emotions. It took several months.

I did not feel the same after saying goodbye to Swami or when Esti decided to end our relationship. Perhaps the fact that a part of me knew about the unhealthy aspects of these relationships signaled the benefit of them ending.

Each and every experience is part of the inward journey, which is not separate from your "regular" life, so to speak. In fact, this very insight, that the inward journey is an integral part of your life, is quite important.

If your guide leaves you or you decide to move on and say goodbye to them, it indicates the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Such transitions are excellent points for self-reflection during which you can ask yourself whether you are ready for another guide who will take you further along your journey.

It could take days, weeks, months, or even years for you to be ready for your next guide and the next phase of your journey. There are no fixed rules here. Your responsibility is to be attentive to what is going on and to be on the lookout for signs.

There will always be something that pushes you forward—an inner feeling that this is not the end. It may manifest in the form of a slight discontent or major unrest and suffering. When you are not at peace, ask why it is so and follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the next phase of your journey.

It is always a good idea to maintain that inner intention and a sense of openness to be guided. You are expressing the wish to receive your next guide when the time is right, and until then you remain attentive to the signs that will point to them.

I let Prem Baba go after years of an intense spiritual journey inward in which I was guided all the time. I could not remember a time when I was not guided by someone.

Naturally, a question came to mind: "Now what? Who will it be now?"

Prem Baba himself pointed in the direction of the answer. He always reminded his disciples that the human guru is just a representation of God and that we should seek a direct connection with the inner guide we all have access to.

I was already well aware of the fact that there is a dimension in me that is beyond mind and matter. I was ready to take a leap of faith and accept the guidance that comes from this dimension.

If your internal voice is now asking, "Do I have an inner guide?" The answer is YES! We all have an inner guide.

Have you met your inner guide? Are you ready to trust your inner guide?

Asking for guidance from a non-human source, a source you cannot prove exists and whose guidance may be much more subtle and soft, may feel like a jump over the abyss, a leap of faith. In a sense, it is precisely that.

The presence of God inside is a matter of faith. I did not need proof that spirit exists. I simply knew it was true. At the same time, the proof of spirit is in the pudding. The tree is known by its fruit.

Who or what is the inner guide?

Let's explore this concept further in the next chapter.